The Keep (1983)

THEY WERE ALL DRAWN TO THE KEEP. The soldiers who brought death. The father and daughter fighting for life. The people who have always feared it. And the one man who knows its secret… THE KEEP Tonight, they will all face the evil.

From the novel by F. Paul Wilson and directed by Michael Mann (he of “Heat” fame) – “The Keep” has all the trappings of a really good film – a good cast (Scott Glen and Gabriel Byrne) and Nazi’s battling evil forces in an ancient Romanian castle. Just watching it you can’t help thinking “Why isn’t this better?”. In the story, Nazi’s make an old Romanian keep their base of operations, Ignoring the villagers warnings that the castle is haunted. One by one, the soldiers begin to die and they are forced to enlist the help of an old Jew for help.

Them! (1954)

KILL ONE – AND TWO TAKE ITS PLACE

Classic 1954 B-Movie by Gordon Douglas. Atomic Testing in a New Mexico Desert causes the ants to turn into giant man-eating monsters that destroy everything in their wake. I have always been suprised as to why this has never been remade. Other Classic B-movies from around the same time (The thing from another world, Invasion of the Body Snatachers etrc) have been remade to great success, but this one seems to have been passed over, but for an old Amiga game “It Came From The Desert” which was based on it. That’s a computer game which would make for a great remake too – perhaps for mobile devices!

Dune (1984)

You are about to enter a world where the unexpected, the unknown, and the unbelievable meet.

A 1984 David Lynch film from the book by Frank Herbert. In the year 10191 (so not soon), a duke and his son are sent to a spice planet by a dodgy emperor intending to destroy the family. The son escapes and plans his revenge. Desert Planets, Giant Worms, Revenge, the story has it all, and the book has legions of fans. But fans of the book (and critics alike ) were not pleased to say the least with David Lynch’s take. This is exactly the sort of film which could do with a revamp. A great fit for CGI if there ever was one!

Darkman (1990)

They destroyed everything he had, everything he was. Now, crime has a new enemy and justice has a new face.

1990 Comic Book action adventure for adults. A brilliant scientist (aren’t they always?) Comes back from being horribly disfigured to wreak his revenge on those who did it. Played by Liam Neeson, I enjoyed this film immensely when I was younger, but watching it again recently it now feels horribly dated. If this is the age of comic books films, as it seems to be, I wouldn’t be surprised if a remake of this one was round the corner. It could even star Liam Neeson again – he’s still got what it takes!

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Evil Awakens

Horror film based on the 90’s PC Game of the same name, starring Christian Slater and Tara Reid (as an archaeologist if you can believe that!). Oh this could have been so much better, but it’s hard to imagine it being worse. It has a score of 2.3 on IMDB, and whilst I never use the IMDB scores as a good indication of quality, if a film slips below a 3 – it’s generally going to be a bad film. The game it’s based on is a classic, with a good story, and I have happy memories of playing it as a kid, so hopefully it’s remade so we can forget this one ever existed.

They Live (1988)

You see them on the street. You watch them on TV. You might even vote for one this fall. You think they’re people just like you. You’re wrong. Dead wrong.

John Carpenter’s low budget Sci-fi from 1988, a drifter discovers a pair of sunglasses which lets him see that Aliens disguised as Humans have taken over the earth! Sharing similarities with the 80’s computer game “Bart Simpson vs the Space Mutants” this is a pretty good film, and it has a firm cult fan following, so it’s inclusion on this list might bring up some debate. I imagine that a very good movie could be made following the same plot structure, whilst retaining the tongue-in-cheek humor, but with a bigger budget and better special effects. Imagine what Guillermo del Toro could do with it!

Zardoz (1974)

I have seen the future and it doesn’t work

The cult film to end all cult films! Now I’m Sean Connery’s number one fans, and I usually love a film just by virtue of him being in it, but I honestly didn’t know what to make of this one. I guess it’s one of those marmite “you either love it or hate it” kind of films. In 2293 Earth is divided into 2 groups, the Brutals and the Eternals. A big stone head floating in the sky bosses everyone about. I can’t help but imagine what the result would be if a producer gave Christopher Nolan free reign on a remake of this. Throw Tom Hardy into the mix and see what they come up with.

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

As the screen’s greatest shock star Bela Lugosi is back to haunt the Earth in a terrifying revelation of things to come!

Ed Wood’s classic studio disaster from 1959. Aliens put “plan 9” into initiation, making the dead on earth come alive in order to destroy the living! Often hailed as one of the worst films of all time, the film is unintentionally hilarious, and I would love, love, love this to be remade by the Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller crew. Make the film completely ad-libbed with the sole intention of trying to make the new version actually worse than the original!

Shock Waves (1977)

Once They Were Almost Human! Beneath the living… Beyond the dead… From the depths of Hell’s Ocean! The Deep End of Horror!

Obscure horror from director Ken Wiederhorn and starring Peter Cushing. Just look at the first two plot keywords on it’s IMDB page: nazi zombie, woman in bathing suit. You want to watch it already don’t you! A ship-wrecked yachting party unintentionally unleash a long dormant platoon of nazi zombies on a strange island. I am a bit unsure as this warrants a remake, solely because of the amount of zombie nazi b-movies out there at the moment. But then I thought, put Quentin Tarantino in charge, have Kurt Russell play Peter Cushing’s role, and I think we would have a hit on our hands!

Quo Vadis (1951)

The Greatest Spectacle Ever Filmed…Three Triumphant Hours of Unforgettable Thrills!

This film probably stands out as an oddity on this list – a 3 hour roman historical epic in the middle of shlock horror films and bad 80’s movies? That’s because I have always thought that this film portrays a point in history that hasn’t been touched on as much as it should have been. Based around the story of Emperor Nero and the fall from rome, I think Ridley Scott should have a crack at it – try and get some of his old “Gladiator” magic back. Imagine the final scene of the Christians and the lions, in 3D! And, I don’t know – Brian Cox as Nero?

Excalibur (1981)

No mortal could possess it! No kingdom could command it!

The story of King Arthur, from the book by Thomas Malory and directed by Thomas Boorman. Yes, I am well aware the story of King Arthur has been done hundreds of times, too many times, and most recently by Guy Ritchie in 2017 (which was very very poor in my opinion – but was exactly what i expected). Excalibur has been the closest they’ve come to getting it right (although I enjoyed First Knight – mainly because of Sean Connery!), so imagine a full-scale, 4k remake of Excalibur, complete with violence, gore, sex and the great “O Fortuna” soundtrack as they ride off to battle. A truly epic portrayal of the life of Arthur. None of this 12a rubbish – represent the dark ages as the DARK ages!

The Parallax View (1974)

There is no conspiracy. Just twelve people dead

A true 70’s claustrophobic political thriller – the kind they really don’t make any more. Warren Beatty is Joe Frady, a reporter who realises that fellow reporters who covered the assassination of a senator have started to die mysteriously. Why should this be remade? Simply because the storyline really grabbed me – and I don’t know many people who have heard of it – let alone seen it. Maybe the story would adapt itself very well to a TV series instead of a film.

Pure Luck (1991)

Somewhere on the Mexican Riviera, a beautiful, rich heiress has gone missing. Only one man can find her. Unfortunately, they sent two

Most people will never have heard of this – those who have probably have wished they hadn’t. I caught this on TV one rainy afternoon, and it did provide a few laughs. I think the story is original enough to be remade, and they could do so without fear of besmirching a classic! The incredibly unlucky daughter of a wealthy businessman goes missing and the the only hope of finding her is to send an accountant with the same level of bad luck to find her. I’d love to see this remade with Rowan Atkinson or Charlie Day in the Martin Short role.

Gulliver’s Travels (2010)

A magical land. A comedy of epic proportions.

For such a well known novel (by Jonathan Swift if you didn’t know) – has this story ever been given serious cinematic treatment? To say the 2010 Jack Black comedy doesn’t do the book justice is an understatement. Other incarnations are two animations (from 1939 and 1977; Richard Harris voicing the latter), and a 1996 TV Mini series starring Ted Danson. Surely, with today’s advances in special effects, it’s time to take the novel by the horns and give it the blockbuster treatment the story deserves? Who could play Gulliver? Off the top of my head – Mark Wahlberg, but i’m open to argument!

The People Under the Stairs (1991)

In every neighbourhood there is one house that adults whisper about and children cross the street to avoid. Now Wes Craven, creator of “A Nightmare on Elm Street” takes you inside…

A 1991 Wes Craven horror flick, which I had been convinced had already been remade, but it turns out I was wrong. If a remake isn’t on the cards yet, I’d bet my right buttock that it won’t be long. With remakes of other Wes Craven films doing well in the box office (The Hills have Eyes, Nightmare on Elm Street etc..), this is a forgotten gem that would work well with a gloss of paint, provided they did it right of course. A young boy breaks into a mysterious house, and becomes trapped inside. There he uncovers the secret of the “children” under the stairs…